What Do You Do When You Don’t Get Your Way?

Although this post was inspired by recent events in the US political arena, it is not about them in particular. This is not about which side you or I are on or how either of us feels about recent historic happenings.

This is about grown men and women making a conscious decision to carry themselves like adults or like third graders when something they feel very strongly about does not go their way. I have been on both sides of that equation for various reasons at different points in my life and, although I probably have not always succeeded in behaving like a mature adult when I have experienced a disappointing loss in something I was fighting for, bearing witness to the poor behavior of others in similar situations has bred in me a distinct distaste for the immature and destructive antics of the poor loser. I want to share one of those experiences in hopes that a view from another angle may help us all to consider with compassion those around us as we determine our next course of action whenever we don’t get our way.

In the fall of 2000 I began the interview process for the position of Worship Pastor at a unique multi-cultural, Southern Baptist church in northern California. Over the next few months it became evident that this church would in fact invite me to take this position, move my family to a new town, and begin contributing my gifts and passions toward the vision of the congregation, a large part of which was to grow what would become one of the largest multi-cultural SBC congregations in the country. The standard procedure for SBC churches is to operate as a democracy and present the candidate for the position to the church for questioning, after which the members would take a vote to decide if they would hire me.

I spent 3 weeks driving to this other church several times to organize and practice a choir, band and sound team so that I could lead a worship service on what would be dubbed my “Candidate Sunday”. After leading several services that day, the response was enthusiastic and it seemed that I was a perfect fit for the direction the church had dreams of heading toward.

After the evening service the congregation was invited to attend a time of questioning for me and my wife. It was at this gathering that a few older and long-time members chose to verbally attack me and my intentions, saying I appeared to be self-centered, a showman, and other inflammatory attacks on my personal and spiritual integrity. For the most part, the questioning was positive and focused, but those few who saw my arrival as a threat to their comfort zone and their belief of what their church should be sowed seeds of distrust, anger and pain that would continue throughout the next five years that my family and I served at the church.

When the vote was cast, the majority decided I was to become their new Worship Pastor. My wife and children left the town we had lived in for the previous 9 years to move to this new location where we hardly new anyone and began pouring our lives into this church and the congregation.

Some long-time members that were upset with how the church had voted left the congregation altogether. They decided they would be better served elsewhere. From my viewpoint at the time, I was glad they left so I wouldn’t have to deal with their disapproval of me. Looking at it now I am disappointed that they so quickly chose the path of “taking their ball and going home” because the other children didn’t agree to their rules. Remember that, when you were a child? If things didn’t go our way we would just leave, and take our toys and friends with us.

Others who were upset by the decision of the majority spent the next five years seizing every opportunity to point out my mistakes, faults and any other issues they had with me to anyone who was willing to listen. One particular deacon kept a steady stream of mean and abusive notes coming to my mailbox, telling me how “money-hungry” my wife and I were, that we should leave before we drove anyone else away from the church, that I should learn how to dress more “like a pastor”, and so on. Another deacon’s wife stood up in a Sunday morning service once and literally shouted boos after a particularly rousing modern arrangement of an old favorite hymn. And the list goes on.

Again, these were just a few people that felt they were expressing what others were thinking, but that did not dilute the personal pain, sadness, anger and other destructive impact that their actions inflicted upon me and my family.

When I talked to supporters and other pastors about these things, they were encouraging and apologetic. They said that in a church, once the majority has made a decision, it is the responsibility of those that disagreed to fall in line and support the decision, keeping the bigger picture of unity in mind. It is also supposed to be a time for them to consider that maybe the majority was actually right in their decision, and it could be possible that the minority was actually wrong. Regardless, it was supposed to work in a way so that all church members would unite together to work for the common good. For the most part this was happening, but obviously there were those who felt it was their duty to make sure I did not succeed at pursuing what I believed at the time to be the best for the church.

Meanwhile, the church grew exponentially in leaps and bounds over the next few years. The congregation doubled in size, added new services and began planning to construct a new building to accommodate the growth. Again, the majority was excited, but with every apparent measurable victory those same opponents made their voice heard loud and clear.

One day a senior member who had originally loudly opposed my coming to the church made his way into my office and we began to talk. Over the next few years our occasional discussions became eye-opening for both of us. This senior member and former deacon helped me to understand how his peers were feeling. He helped me to see that my passionate approach to reaching out to the younger generation who felt that church was irrelevant was making the older generation feel as though they were irrelevant too. Displaced. Pointless. Worthless. And as my eyes were opened to this mistake, he saw the truth in my heart and my desire to do what was right. Together we assisted each other to see one another and our beliefs from a different viewpoint and to eliminate the misconception that our differences meant the other was wrong.

Three different roads were taken by those who disagreed with the majority’s decision. One choice was to leave the situation altogether and never turn back. Another was to stay and do everything they could to tear down what was being built. The third, and what I believe was the best choice, was to work with the decision that had been made and help those involved to see the situation from every angle so that together we could move toward a better result.

What do you do when you don’t get your way? Do you choose to leave, to stay and be destructive in an effort to get your way, or to work within the existing parameters toward unity and the hope of eventual universal satisfaction?

Just because someone believes differently than I do does not mean they are wrong. It just means that they are different. And different is something to be embraced and even celebrated above mindless uniformity any day, as far as I’m concerned. It is what makes our individuality as human beings a thing of beauty, and it is what makes each of our individual contributions to our society valuable.

I am disappointed when I see anyone, including myself, choosing to behave in one of the first two categories when they don’t get their way. There is nothing productive or constructive about it. In contrast, I am overjoyed when I witness someone who takes the high road toward constructive improvement of a situation they disagree with. It is refreshing and powerful.

What do you do when you don’t get your way?