What Do You Do When You Don't Get Your Way?

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Although this post was inspired by recent events in the US political arena, it is not about them in particular. This is not about which side you or I are on or how either of us feels about recent historic happenings.

This is about grown men and women making a conscious decision to carry themselves like adults or like third graders when something they feel very strongly about does not go their way. I have been on both sides of that equation for various reasons at different points in my life and, although I probably have not always succeeded in behaving like a mature adult when I have experienced a disappointing loss in something I was fighting for, bearing witness to the poor behavior of others in similar situations has bred in me a distinct distaste for the immature and destructive antics of the poor loser. I want to share one of those experiences in hopes that a view from another angle may help us all to consider with compassion those around us as we determine our next course of action whenever we don’t get our way.

In the fall of 2000 I began the interview process for the position of Worship Pastor at a unique multi-cultural, Southern Baptist church in northern California. Over the next few months it became evident that this church would in fact invite me to take this position, move my family to a new town, and begin contributing my gifts and passions toward the vision of the congregation, a large part of which was to grow what would become one of the largest multi-cultural SBC congregations in the country. The standard procedure for SBC churches is to operate as a democracy and present the candidate for the position to the church for questioning, after which the members would take a vote to decide if they would hire me.

I spent 3 weeks driving to this other church several times to organize and practice a choir, band and sound team so that I could lead a worship service on what would be dubbed my “Candidate Sunday”. After leading several services that day, the response was enthusiastic and it seemed that I was a perfect fit for the direction the church had dreams of heading toward.

After the evening service the congregation was invited to attend a time of questioning for me and my wife. It was at this gathering that a few older and long-time members chose to verbally attack me and my intentions, saying I appeared to be self-centered, a showman, and other inflammatory attacks on my personal and spiritual integrity. For the most part, the questioning was positive and focused, but those few who saw my arrival as a threat to their comfort zone and their belief of what their church should be sowed seeds of distrust, anger and pain that would continue throughout the next five years that my family and I served at the church.

When the vote was cast, the majority decided I was to become their new Worship Pastor. My wife and children left the town we had lived in for the previous 9 years to move to this new location where we hardly new anyone and began pouring our lives into this church and the congregation.

Some long-time members that were upset with how the church had voted left the congregation altogether. They decided they would be better served elsewhere. From my viewpoint at the time, I was glad they left so I wouldn’t have to deal with their disapproval of me. Looking at it now I am disappointed that they so quickly chose the path of “taking their ball and going home” because the other children didn’t agree to their rules. Remember that, when you were a child? If things didn’t go our way we would just leave, and take our toys and friends with us.

Others who were upset by the decision of the majority spent the next five years seizing every opportunity to point out my mistakes, faults and any other issues they had with me to anyone who was willing to listen. One particular deacon kept a steady stream of mean and abusive notes coming to my mailbox, telling me how “money-hungry” my wife and I were, that we should leave before we drove anyone else away from the church, that I should learn how to dress more “like a pastor”, and so on. Another deacon’s wife stood up in a Sunday morning service once and literally shouted boos after a particularly rousing modern arrangement of an old favorite hymn. And the list goes on.

Again, these were just a few people that felt they were expressing what others were thinking, but that did not dilute the personal pain, sadness, anger and other destructive impact that their actions inflicted upon me and my family.

When I talked to supporters and other pastors about these things, they were encouraging and apologetic. They said that in a church, once the majority has made a decision, it is the responsibility of those that disagreed to fall in line and support the decision, keeping the bigger picture of unity in mind. It is also supposed to be a time for them to consider that maybe the majority was actually right in their decision, and it could be possible that the minority was actually wrong. Regardless, it was supposed to work in a way so that all church members would unite together to work for the common good. For the most part this was happening, but obviously there were those who felt it was their duty to make sure I did not succeed at pursuing what I believed at the time to be the best for the church.

Meanwhile, the church grew exponentially in leaps and bounds over the next few years. The congregation doubled in size, added new services and began planning to construct a new building to accommodate the growth. Again, the majority was excited, but with every apparent measurable victory those same opponents made their voice heard loud and clear.

One day a senior member who had originally loudly opposed my coming to the church made his way into my office and we began to talk. Over the next few years our occasional discussions became eye-opening for both of us. This senior member and former deacon helped me to understand how his peers were feeling. He helped me to see that my passionate approach to reaching out to the younger generation who felt that church was irrelevant was making the older generation feel as though they were irrelevant too. Displaced. Pointless. Worthless. And as my eyes were opened to this mistake, he saw the truth in my heart and my desire to do what was right. Together we assisted each other to see one another and our beliefs from a different viewpoint and to eliminate the misconception that our differences meant the other was wrong.

Three different roads were taken by those who disagreed with the majority’s decision. One choice was to leave the situation altogether and never turn back. Another was to stay and do everything they could to tear down what was being built. The third, and what I believe was the best choice, was to work with the decision that had been made and help those involved to see the situation from every angle so that together we could move toward a better result.

What do you do when you don’t get your way? Do you choose to leave, to stay and be destructive in an effort to get your way, or to work within the existing parameters toward unity and the hope of eventual universal satisfaction?

Just because someone believes differently than I do does not mean they are wrong. It just means that they are different. And different is something to be embraced and even celebrated above mindless uniformity any day, as far as I’m concerned. It is what makes our individuality as human beings a thing of beauty, and it is what makes each of our individual contributions to our society valuable.

I am disappointed when I see anyone, including myself, choosing to behave in one of the first two categories when they don’t get their way. There is nothing productive or constructive about it. In contrast, I am overjoyed when I witness someone who takes the high road toward constructive improvement of a situation they disagree with. It is refreshing and powerful.

What do you do when you don’t get your way?

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Comments ( 18 )

That must have been such a hard time for you. I guess all of us at one point or another has or will go through what you have, maybe in a different situation. I am a peace loving person, but I always do speak my mind when the occasion calls for it. We are not perfect beings and this is such a good post to look back on when we do get into situations where we can’t have what we want or have our way. It is always good to discuss and understand each others points of view.

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bkmacdaddy Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:57 am
Thanks Misty, it really was a difficult time, but those are the ones we can learn the most from, I guess. I’m not sure how good it would be if we all were perfect. Probably pretty boring.

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Misty Belardo added these pithy words on Mar 22 10 at 11:39 am

Brian, very well said. I honestly believe we all “want” to take the highground, and be the bigger person. But occasionally, depending on the situation, I can also understand if people take their ball, and go start their own game too. Because sometimes, there is no reasoning, and bullies do exist.

Here’s to hoping there’s always space for more highground and that we can all let the water run off our backs.

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bkmacdaddy Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:58 am
I agree, Pam. I think we all WANT to be the bigger, better person. The idealist in me wants to encourage us all – including myself – to embrace that want and go for it!

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Pam - Ryvon Designs added these pithy words on Mar 22 10 at 11:41 am

Sometimes (in my case, in politics), the belligerent drive away those who joined for a sense of unity. They’d sooner stay home, and not waste stomach lining in disunited group where the bad apples get so much attention. In politics, it’s the only way most of us have been taught to deal with the opposition. And it’s the reason why yesterday, at the passing of the Health Care bill, I couldn’t bear to look at my Twitter stream.

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bkmacdaddy Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 6:49 am
Perfect. Thanks for this comment, Rick. I share your sentiments. I could care less about which “side” wins – shouldn’t it be about us ALL winning? The best for everyone?

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Rick Wolff added these pithy words on Mar 22 10 at 12:05 pm

Thank you. I was reminded by this of a book from the 1960’s, which used the writings of John’s letters to make a point; “The Mark of a Christian” (by Francis Schaeffer) is love.

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Bob added these pithy words on Mar 22 10 at 12:05 pm

Wisdom is obtained by not getting what you want.

Awesome article mate. I connected on yet another level with you.

Blessings be upon you and yours.

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bkmacdaddy Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 6:52 am
I’m guessing you must have not gotten what you wanted a few times, because you are abounding in wisdom.

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Khayyam Wakil added these pithy words on Mar 22 10 at 12:40 pm

I think I disagree with this, although I understand your point of view. I think that people’s attitudes probably made more sense in view of a contrast with the person you replaced, who did things differently. I think it should have been forseeable that older, serious-minded members would question the use of bands and choreographed choirs on your first ‘trial run’. This could be seen as a smoke-screen to bedazzle younger and more naive members, whereas the issues at stake were to do with your interpretation of the Bible, and abilities as a preacher and pastor. Many people would be offended by an approach which distracted from the ability of the congregation to judge a VERY serious question by the presentation of audio-visual “fluff”. Your plans should have predicted this and attempted to balance the presentation in order to defuse these accusations.
If this was your intention you failed to convince certain members, but you got the job anyway. The people who left may genuinely NOT have liked the style of the new services or more subtle aspects of your preaching, and they have every right to feel that way. It doesn’t make them sore losers – they are choosing to follow their faith in the manner they see fit.

It’s true that sometimes it takes an exceptional person to explain the point of view to the other side, so that things can improve, but it sounds more like you were the sore loser – or at least as much. And you got the post.

In certain jobs one has to be professional and to a certain extent expect criticism and deal with it without it affecting your emotional life or ability to do your job. Headmaster would be one example. It sounds as though you were a little too immature for this role – you didn’t have the wisdom to understand what was happening without it being explained TO you by someone older and more mature.

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bkmacdaddy Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 7:47 am
Thanks for your input and point of view, Stella. It sounds like you may have been in a similar situation, and actually the tone of your comment sounds very much like some of those senior members who were so upset. I appreciate your insight, although of course I disagree with most of it. It doesn’t really matter since this post was a summary of the whole story to make a more general point. Obviously with just a few of the details and you not being there, it would be easy to make a judgment like you have. I completely understand. One point I definitely agree with, though, is that I did NOT have the wisdom or experience yet to predict that the older, presumably wiser members of the congregation would respond the way they did. I have learned through this experience not to assume that someone’s age is in direct correlation to their wisdom, compassion or maturity.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!

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Dambold Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 10:40 am
I actually really disagree with Stella’s post. This post assumes that the ‘older, wiser, more serious-minded’ elders are inherently correct in their moral beliefs and that Brian is not.

The subjectiveness of the post suggests an undercurrent of personal belief concerning the use of media in church.

If indeed the elders were following their faith in a manner they see fit, then Brian is not negated in his passion for his faith either. The immaturity lies with the elders who attempted to behaviorally modify the situation using verbal abuse. Something children are taught is unwise and morally wrong.
I believe the mature thing was to take away a lesson from the experience as Brian has done. To take a stance of correctionalism to others on a blog where the author becomes transparent betrays any sense of feigned maturity and moral superiority.

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Stella Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 12:29 pm
maybe I missed it, but I didn’t see any indication of verbal abuse in the story. Just the to-be-expected grumblings of a few members of a community when someone takes over and does things a different way. I know how older members would see the change (potentially) due to having very religious, and very old (for my peer group) parents. The bitchiness and etcetera is also just something you have to reckon with in public roles. It can really be quite extreme in every type of group – especially when people are retired (or similar) and don’t have anything else in their lives. I also note one of the posters below who had problems with people criticizing their personal dress sense – that sort of thing is more the nasty stuff that really makes me cringe. Coming from old folks it’s to be expected, but there are some pretty judgemental Xtian types around so I can imagine the scene.

Brian is wise to take a lesson from the experience, and I totally respect that. I said I understand where he’s coming from. You are really wrong though in thinking that my attitude is motivated by having some kind of moral stance on the use of music in churches – I’m just not a Xtian at all. However I had a religious upbringing. Last time I was in a church it was an evangelical one and there was a lot of singing and dancing and “halleluljah’ and I had a great time and recommended it to my friends. But I’m the younger generation and I know it would go down like a lead balloon with some of the old biddies my mother knows at her church (C of E).

At the end of the day, this was just my feeling while I was reading. Perhaps a little off-topic, but I was hoping for constructive criticism rather than just being mean to Brian. I did think I missed the mark – things always seem a bit more extreme when they are written in text than how they would sound over a beer in real life. So sorry brian if I hurt your feelings.

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bkmacdaddy Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Stella,
Please forgive me as well if my response was offensive in any way. Thank you for clarifying yourself, and you personally did not hurt my feelings. You did, however, bring back up memories of some other very specific abusive statements and wrongfully-founded judgments that were made when this happened almost 10 years ago. Although I did relive some of this while I was writing the post, I kept it much more general and was able to distance myself from those painful memories. Unfortunately you unwittingly brought me closer than I would have preferred. I don’t blame you – you didn’t know how it may impact me. Some of the things you said in your comment were almost exact reiterations of the originals, and therefore struck a nerve. The hardest part of it is that there is SOOOO much more to the story that I didn’t share because my point was strictly to use the general idea as an example, rather than to delve into what I may perceive as the problems with the modern institution of the church. Had I shared the full story (which might make an interesting book, but not a blog post) perhaps you would have had a better understanding and possibly not have been so quick to say some of the things you did. But for me, that is neither here nor there. My hope was to share an experience in hopes that we all could learn from it and modify how we behave in situations like this. I know I am learning even as I write this comment, so I guess I would have to say “Mission Accomplished!” Hopefully there are no hard feelings, and I am grateful for you taking the time to participate in this discussion.

Stella added these pithy words on Mar 23 10 at 7:31 am

Dude, wow. I’ve worked for churches and been in church for a very long time, so I know exactly what you are talking about. I went through a few similar situations myself. I was once even fired from a church position because they didn’t like the way I cut my hair or wore my clothes.

It’s unfortunate that we have such limited people living in bondage to the good experiences of the past who are unwilling to remain flexible for better times in the future.

There are good churches with good people out there, but sometimes no matter how hard we try, there are always some people who try to ’set us right’, meaning trying to convince us that their point of view is right. I once had people come up to me and question my loyalty at a certain church I did sound engineering at, and who I would choose sides with over an issue. (This was the same church that fired me for my haircut. I wasn’t even going there but was helping them out. The pastor then went to MY pastor and told him a bunch of lies about me.)

On the good side, when I went back to my church the sound engineers came to me, knowing what happened, and said that whenever I wanted to get behind the soundboard they’d welcome it and whatever I wanted concerning that they’d provide.

It’s just such a contrast between congregations sometimes. I’m so sorry you and your wife had to go through such a horrible experience.

But yeah, the maturity factor is enormous when it comes to this. How many people have left when they disagreed? They’re only punishing themselves, unfortunately, and it comes across as grandstanding instead of a willingness to be a mature person and try to work out differences instead of taking the stance of ‘my way or the highway.’ I hope the response of people who see this is to determine to themselves that they will handle situations they are confronted with, with more patience, humility and love.

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Dambold added these pithy words on Mar 23 10 at 10:29 am

“Just because someone believes differently than I do does not mean they are wrong. It just means that they are different. And different is something to be embraced and even celebrated above mindless uniformity any day, as far as I’m concerned. It is what makes our individuality as human beings a thing of beauty, and it is what makes each of our individual contributions to our society valuable.”

I couldn’t agree with you more. Now, if we can just get the rest of the world on board with this it will be most amazing.

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Shannon added these pithy words on Mar 23 10 at 11:57 am

I usually go on some small rant to a friend or family member about being giving further proof that the idea of justice is a cruel hoax someone came up with mock us. I then proceed to try and figure out “why” I didn’t get my way and if I conclude that its because of something I did or didn’t do I add it to the list of things I’m going to work on in my never ending quest to become a “Titan”.

Its reasonable to become somewhat upset or disappointed when you don’t get your way. I am of the school of looking at these times as opportunities to grow and to demonstrate good character. Its not hard to be gracious in victor, but in defeat? There’s the hat trick!

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Roberto Blake added these pithy words on Apr 09 10 at 12:48 pm

Hey, I just dropped on this article and thought I’d share my thoughts. As you say, I guess everybody was at a time in a similar situation. I konw I did, but, unlike you, I didn’t understood the people who worked againts me while I was in the situation. I realised later what were my mistakes… and thought to myself « Oh, my, if I had been on their side, I would have behave the same way I guess! » I’m sad I could’nt understand the issue back then, but I’m glad I’ve learned about this. I’m not saying I will always be the bigger personn now, I’m far from being perfect, but I try harder to understand people who chose to not go my way.

Anyway, thanks for the insight, it reminded me to be less focused on my goals and look at the big picture.

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